Unaware of trauma.. until now.

As a child, life was so free. Able to run wild during the summer. Riding our bikes all across our small town, we truly felt free. In elementary school, i held A grades with ease. Not that i was the smartest kid in our school, but i was just a good kid doing well in school. Life at home was good i thought. My mother and father were married and are still together 32 years later. My father was a good father, when i was young. At least i felt loved by them both. When it came to discipline, we got the belt.. warrented or not. As i grew older, it seemed my father grew more agressive. My mother was a babysitter my whole childhood. Which was great & horrible at the same time. When I was little it was great to have friends to play with. She started watching a boy about 4 years older than me. We became best friends almost instantly. We stayed best friends for 20+ years. Looking back now.. this is where my trouble began, that would set the tone & change the way I viewed women.. or anyone for that matter. As curious boys do, we explored our body's. Masterbaiting at a young age is completely normal, but it turned into something all together different when my best friend came over. At this time, I'm not sure of my age, maybe 9 years old. Making my friend 13. I'm still a young boy, not gone through puberty yet. Now I can see, that I was being groomed.. at the time, I just thought it was normal. He talked me into giving him head, with the promise that he would return the favor.. Honestly, I enjoyed it at the time & that seems so messed up. It went from pleasing ourselves in the same room when we found dad's playboys, to giving each other oral. I didn't feel negative about it in anyway then. I just thought, wow this feels good, let's use each other more often. & this is were i learned people are objects for you to use for pleasure. He was 13.. & I was 9 the earliest I can remember, however I know it happened before then. He surley knew what he was doing was wrong.. & after he had me doing it, i learned everyone else is doing it. My cusion who was a year older than me.. his step brother.. we all gave each other head like it was just doing your buddy a solid.. but only because he was there. If he wasnt, it never happened. So from a very young age I was sexualized and taught this is how you do things. As a 32 year old man, married, with three children.. I've kept this secret until now. This abuse haunted me all of my life & I never wanted to admit it. "He was just my best friend, it wasn't abuse, just curious boys..." Thats what I kept telling myself. The way I viewed girls/women from this only taught me one thing, is that they're yours to use. I don't consider myself gay or bisexual.. I very much love women. I honestly don't know if I ran through so many girls at a young age because I was trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay.. or if I was just enjoying the pleasure. I treated girls like a gentlemen, with one thing in mind, getting some as fast as possible. My girlfriend was my play thing, to use and abuse whenever I wanted.. age was just a number so I didn't think twice to hook up with girls older or younger. The abuse had my mental so twisted from reality that I felt this way all throughout my young life. Wreaking my life.. is so many ways.. & unfortunately, this is only the beginning...